www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

"And much like most things with white people - they win both ways. If you decide to go with them, they feel good about getting someone off the couch and 'into the fresh air,' and if you don't decide to go, they can spend their entire time outdoors saying 'boy, this is great, X doesn't know what he/she is missing!' and running on a mix of self-satisfaction, Odwalla juice, and muesli."

I designed a terrific dress to wear to the Pride festivities. 

An Imagined Conversation & The Heist

So this week my aunt hired me to clean out this house some this crackhead couple lived in. Here's an imagined conversation between the two.

"Oh, honey, shit-battered cockroaches for dinner again!? We had that last night!"

"Oh. Oopsies. You're so right. What should we do with these then?"

"Uh, just dump them inside the burners of the stove along with some molasses."

These people were filthy, and this is coming from a slob. While I enjoy a nice pile of clothing here and there about a room, these people enjoyed having a uniform horrible smell. Every smelly part of their house smelled equally and uniformly rancid Like it was only one compromising smell. Toilet. Carpet. Fridge. I soon began to confuse the original horrid smell with the smell of the original smell drenched in gallons of orange cleaner (great stuff, btw). 

But anyway. Back to the reasonable part of my life.

So today Stephanie comes over, I tell her to park in the doctor's office across the street. She comes to the house for a while and then we decide to go shopping and grab a bite to eat, so we walk over to her car. It's dark. This doctor's office complex is fully dark, all blinds down with one corner office light on, no blinds. This sketchy looking guy is sitting at the desk of the well-lit office. Once he sees me looking at him he starts to hide, darting around the window. Not playfully. 

So then once we get back he starts hiding again, and Stephanie still had yet to see him. So she pulled out and drove a bit, to the second entrance. We drove up to the window just 

in time for him to be able to see him dart away. We had pulled up near the front entrance. I look over to the passenger side, and about three yards away this other sketchy guy is sitting there on the curb. I point him out to Stephanie and she shrieks. She just goes, "I am NOT parking here, I am NOT parking here!" and we drive away. She parks in our driveway. We are laughing our heads off but scared out of our minds. I want to come back and watch. So then we walk back with Domino, armed with Vogue, and sit on the porch of the other house. The window guy is skateboarding around. There's the curb guy, and then some new guy. They are all talking on cell phones. We hide from them, but they probably noticed us. Then they all drove away in a black BMW, which I'd seen there before. 

It was odd. I pictured the story as like the janitor cased the doctor's office and then 

brought some other people to rob it. But it's probably something much less dramatic. I hesitate to tell the people at the office, or what mutti said to do, call the police. 

I'm reading this fabulous book. It's great. Truman Capote talks shit. I might do a more in-depth review if I finish it. (I'm about halfway through as of now). It just got into the factory and all the factory people like Billy Name and Viva are being interviewed. 

Last Saturday at Goodwill someone stole my mom's cart and this book was the only thing in it. She thought someone had just taken it for the cart, so she looked on all the shelves to see where someone had stashed it. And found it back. What a glorious thrift store day. Those people can get so bitchy. But I got a Bill Tice so I'm okay with the setup. I like how the book was published in 1981 so it has a really '80s cover. The reprint has a very dated looking cover as well.  The format for the book is basically the same as the SNL retrospective, "Live from New York" where everyone's interviews are interwoven so it seems like they're telling the story to you. Which is a stellar format. 

Affirmative Action

Angelina Jolie's kids make up the perfect affirmative action for any top-tier university.

Half are white

1/3 Asian

1/6 Black.

Oooh we forgot the Latinos. Same thing Harvard said. 

You Were Right

Yeesh. I'd update this thing more frequently if exciting, happy, or worthwhile shit ever happened. 

I had a good week, lots of visits and such. Living 20 miles away from the east Cobb hub without a car makes me feel like some sort of invalid. People come over and I feel the need to entertain them. I have been working on mastering the perfect sandwich and Ghiradelli brownie. 

Living this far away shouldn't make me feel so detached. Everyone bitches about driving here. Plus where I live is a lot different from mass-commercialized east Cobb. 

Chan Marshall

Just saw Cat Power. It was incredible. Even though I only knew probably 40% of the material. Her dancing style is something to be envied. I thought it was cool how she was nervous about the Atlanta show because she was from Atlanta. 

I am not a big fan of myself right now. 

While I was typing that my vision fogged up. I don't know why. I mean, I do. Partly. I need to clean my act the fuck up. Like for serious. I enjoy having perfect grammar and eloquence in this condition. Like, WHAT A PLUS.

I am all the days that you choose to ignore. 

You're standing on the edge. 

Patricia Field, Coldplay, and hulu.com

So Friday Brian and I made a day out of going to see Sex and the City: The Movie. It didn't disappoint, but I'd have to say the real star of the whole she-bang had to be Pat Field. Like holy goddam shit. The clothes stole the show. The sex wasn't even that hot, definitely not as hot as the clothes. The hottest sex was probably the doggie-style between Miranda and Steve, which is pretty lame because they are the least pornographic looking couple. The grossest part of the movie was probably when we viewed a full on (fire)crotchshot. But anyway. Back to the clothes. Carrie was rockin' the florals something awful. I say "rockin'" not to appear hip and happenin' but because the nice demure 50's florals were brilliantly paired up with a vintage punk rock black studded belt and some killer Dior Extreme heels AT ALL TIMES. Once we see the sad Carrie, she starts wearing more black and being all sad, BUT IS STILL ROCKING THIS BELT. It pops up at the end as well. It's a nice touch. There was of course the necessary bridal montage and Carrie ends up in probably the least flattering of all the dresses used. I would've gone with the LaCroix, had I been her fictional character. The Zac Posen bridesmaid's dresses were breathtaking, especially the black one Charlotte wore.  I loved that they were all different colors. 

The new Coldplay leaked the other day and I've been listening to it off-and-on, but not seriously. It didn't excite me at all. I guess when an album leaks its just always got a different feel or vibe. You never hear the songs in the order you're supposed to, the titles are all jumbled. I got the Gnarls Barkley when it leaked, burned copies for friends, and it turned out all the songs were in the wrong order because they were all labeled with the wrong titles. I was trying to get this Coldplay all in order and it turned out there's five extra songs supposedly on the album. I don't even know why Rolling Stone reviews bootleg and that sort of thing. I think we should just keep all this illegal shit hush-hush and under the rug. Like a gay aristocrat. Now with all this downloading and shit there's all the acoustic versions, iTunes exclusives. Plus you know Coldplay has to be pretentious and combine tracks, and then some douche needs separate them and make them available for download. Sheesh. Maybe people should pay for shit occasionally. I don't love these songs, but I'm hoping that maybe if I listen to them in order I might warm to them.

So. I have a new addiction in the form of all my favorite television shows (Arrested Development and It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia pretty much) available for free streaming in the form of www.hulu.com. It's the greatest thing since sliced illegal streaming. And it has a lot of episodes of Morgan Spurlock's "30 Days" which I never had occasion to see owing to the fact that I don't have cable (the mother is against TV). I have become such a leather lounge chair potato as a result. "30 Days" is really stellar. So far my favorite episode had to be the one where Morgan and his wife Alex go live in Ohio on minimum wage. Once they started stressing about money their immune systems weakened and they fought so much more. Pretty interesting stuff. 

The past 4 days I had no internet connection and it is now miraculously much stronger, which I am happy of. 

We found a home for the cat. My cousin's friend's sister's (holy apostrophes) cat just died and she's been searching for a new one ever since. Ours sufficed. I was glad. I liked being a cat owner for 3 days. It was fun. I am glad I got to experience it. Now I know I never want a cat. It clawed up enough of my shit to piss me off, it scratched my skin so it looks like I self-harm. Ew. 

Dressing like Sophia and a Cat That Thinks it's a Dog

Yesterday I went to apply for a job at an Italian restaurant on the Square. I put on a crisp linen shirtdress with brown and pink stripes, big white round sunglasses, and gold flats. I kept the kinks in my hair and made it big and smooth. I contemplated a light brown Florentine hat, but conceded that it was too hot. I was dressed like Sophia Loren. On purpose. I had pictured this restaurant being run by the Sopranos or the Corleones. I got there and there was no smoky dark back room. The first guy I talked to told me I wasn't the guy he was looking for, he was the window washer. Then some old leathery classic Southern lady came out. and asked if she could help me, honey? I told her how I'd seen on craigslist that there were a lot of job openings at this particular restaurant, and wondered if any of the positions had been filled. She told me the manager was busy right now but she'd be able to see me later, and gave me an application. Whaaaaat? Where was Tony? Where was Vito?  This Italian restaurant was turning out to be pretty much bullshit. What was the point of dressing up for these mom-jeans clad people?

Today when my aunt got home I was talking on the phone and my aunt put a kitten in my lap. She told me it was abandoned in a storage facility and a client of hers had found it, and was deathly allergic. So she took it home. And now my aunt's dog, Peaches, is nursing it. My dogs don't like or trust it yet. It tried to nurse my dog, Domino (spawn of Peaches) and she flipped out. 

I've sneezed at least 6 times in the past 2 hours. None of those were like, three in a row either. I think I'm allergic to cats. I've never had one before, there's no way of knowing. We'll see. I need to think of a name for the cat before my mom and my aunt come up with some stupid one. Together they have some of the worst pet names in history. Fluffy (dog). Honey Bee (dog). 'Atta Boy (dog). La Morena, because she was black. I wanted to name her Token (dog). Domino because she has black spots and she's white (dog). I am pretty sure this cat is a female. She's like a Maine Coon mix I'd estimate. But in my mind there's only like two types of cats.